Archive for 2011-05-15

I was sitting, minding my own, not feeling particularly one way or another about the day I was having.. Flipping channels on my remote. The 5 is stuck so I can't watch channel 55 which is the channel I'd be watching if the 5 weren't stuck.. So I was zoned out staring at the TV, some infomercial was going on about cleansing my colon.. The man on the show looked like something that should be cleansed from the colon. Which is why I was watching, I was thinking how he should have gotten someone who looked not like that to do his commercial. No one is gonna order a product that makes you look like that.

So anyway.. Long story short.. There was a knock at the door and I thought about ignoring it, but I don't get many visitors so I drug myself off the sofa and made my way to the door, but not to quickly, wouldn't want mystery guest to think I was too eager for company.

I peeped through the peep hole and saw a familiar face.. It was HIM.. I locked the door and slid a chair against it and proceeded to do the same to the other two doors and then in a frenzy ran around to check every window, and just when I thought I was safe, there HE was coming at me with lightening speed from the basement door... I turned to run, but tripped over that plant I cant pronounce and never really liked, and I landed face first on the cat..

She is my brothers cat, I am allergic, but only if I touch her, as long as I keep a safe distance from her I am OK. Over the years we have come to a mutual understanding. She stays away from me and I don't throw things at her.. It works out nicely for everyone. Until today. There I was face down in the cat trying to decide which is the worser fate, staying face down in the cat until my eyes swell shut and throat starts to close.. Or getting up and facing HIM..

My fate was decided for me when the cat started to hiss.

I pushed myself up from the floor and before I could get to my feet with a whoosh, HIM, his wife and all their luggage zipped up my nose and set up camp.. I could feel the tent stakes being driven into my brain.. next they must have taken a shower because the water started to drip my my eyes and nose. and I was miserable..

I knew from past visits that taking a shower usually relaxed them and they would take a nap, so I hopped in a hot shower and waited for the sound of snoring.. When i was sure they were asleep I got out of the shower threw on my clothes and headed for the sheriff's office..

The Sheriff though intimidating in size had a warmth in his eyes that eased your worries as if they were saying to you.. I have everything under control.. The sheriff was a good man and in all his 36 years as sheriff not one bad guy had eluded him. I know this because He told this story quite regularly in Sunday school.. He had been my Sunday school teacher for the past 3 years..

I plopped into the chair across from him at the desk with the name plate "Sheriff Mosley T Mosley" It was quite a handsome name plate, shiny, engraved letters on a solid block of wood, not like the plastic thing on the other desks on my way in..

"what can I do for you son" the sheriff asked

"I want a restraining order" I replied

"is some one bothering you son"

"yes" I replied, matter of factly.. "well..no.. Not someone.. but.. some THING" I said in a slightly lower voice because I knew this is the part where he begins to think I'm crazy..

His eyes widened and he looked me over for a minute before saying "what kind of thing?"

I proceeded to tell my story of the HIM and his wife and how they had barged into my home and whooshed up my nose without warning or invitation.. By now THEY had heard us talking and woke up and were doing some sort of dance right behind my eyes... It must have been rap, because I could feel the boom boom boom pounding in my head..

The sheriff told me that he thought this situation was better handled by a doctor. I told him that I knew the doctor could make them leave but once they were gone I would need a restraining order so they couldn't come back..

It took some begging and pleading before I convinced the sheriff to give me the restraining order and I think he only did it to get me out of his office, But I didn't care what his reason was, as long as I god that restraining order..

With all the proper information and signatures on my restraining order and for a $25 dollar processing fee, I had my restraining order in hand, thanked the sheriff and made my way across the street to see Doc..

Doc was my uncle, he had treated me since I was a baby and he would know just what to do to evict my uninvited guests.. I told him about the guests that had zipped into my nose and he gave me something that he said would have them begging to move out in no time.. That was just what I wanted to hear..

I knew they were getting upset because my eyes began to water to the point Doc thought I as crying.. The pounding in my head became more like a stabbing, I think it was HER high heeled shoes piercing into my brain.

So I took the meds which made me kind of drowsy and I must have fallen asleep, because I was awakened by loud talking and a tap on my forehead..I opened my eyes and there they were HIM and HER standing in front of me, her in a polka dotted dress, and him in a tie and straw hat.. He began to speak in a deep gruff scratchy voice..

"you think you're rid of us, but we will be back, because this is one of our favorite vacation destinations.."

"That is where you are wrong" I said pulling the paper out of my shirt pocket and unfolding it.

"See there, your names on this paper that clearly says if you come within 100 feet of me I can have you arrested."

He read the paper out loud.. "Mr. pain Sinus, and Mrs. Pressure Sinus are hereby ordered to keep a distance of at least 100 foot from the person or persons in possession of this restraining order. Until such time as paper is lost or person dies."

"and its signed by the sherrif" I said, very pleased with myself.

They stomped off without another word slamming the door behind them, and to this day I have never seen them again. And that is the story of the day I got a restraining order against my sinus problems..